THEME THURSDAY - CLOCKS
Criminy's crackers. What the heck am I supposed to do for CLOCKS?! The clock is ticking on the ideas for clocks. I wrote this blog yesterday (today right now), and the time is... 6:19 PM. Sigh. I've been thinking... It's 8:19 PM now. 8:26 PM. Okay, I'm bidding on the Sims. The clock is ticking - I'm not going to win this. Oh, I have an idea!!!!!!! [lightbulb over head] 5 CLOCK JOKES!
Don't laugh! Stop LAUGHING!
Clock Joke 1: What did the digital clock [snicker] say to his mother? Look, Ma, no hands! [buahahaha!]
Clock Joke [giggle] 2:
After his death, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation.
After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock [teehee] move at a different speed?"
"They turn at the rate at which the members of that occupation collectively sin on earth," replied the devil.
"What's your second question?"
"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the 'lawyers' clock?"
The devil momentarily looked confused, and he started checking the clocks. "They should all be here," he muttered, looking frantically, [ha] "It has to be here somewhere... Oh, there will be Hell to pay for this."
Suddenly, the devil relaxed, slapped himself on the forehead, and exclaimed, "Oh, yes! How silly of me. We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan." [It's not easy to find clock jokes!]
Clock Joke 3: Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?" Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't [nyahaha] go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'" The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a [chuckle] huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
Clock Joke 4: A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
“What’s with that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How’s it work?” the friend [chortle] asked, squinting at it.
“Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall [nyeh nyeh nyeh] screamed, “You idiot! It’s one-fifteen in the morning!”
Clock Joke [lkgajfd] 5: At about 3 a.m., a guy was drunk [nehnehneh] as a skunk. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight.He was very proud of himself.The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and he replied, "Midnight, just like I said."She said that was good, and for some [lol] reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed one more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started [lalala] giggling."
Okay, NOW you can laugh!
Ice Bear judges these jokes HiLaRiOuS!!!!
Yay! Uber amazing (hehe) thanks to Cal for presenting me with this prestigious award! I'd like to thank the academy... OF AWESOME! Yeah, I graduated from that place. Not only did I graduate from that academy, I invented it. I invented awesome... Boom shacka lacka. Thanks for recognizing my blog, Cal! You're da bomb diggggity!
(picture of John pending approval by John)
